Gummy Vitamins

For those of you who know me, you are most likely well aware of my uncanny need for a detailed schedule. . . . Well, considering human nature in general, that may not be so idiosyncratic. At any rate, I spent part of my sabbath rest chillin' with my roomie, Sam. I made my favorite meal for us (Stromboli . . .not as great as yours, Mom!), shot Nerf darts at her, and cleaned up a little. Upon the discovery of unrecognizable substances in the sink, we sat down at the kitchen table and made a list of every single chore we could think of, and I began to make a spread-sheet . . . a very detailed spreadsheet . . . with different colors . . . and chores separated into daily, weekly, biweekly, and monthly sections.

Somehow I felt better with a schedule posted on the fridge. Somehow.

I learned a lot this weekend . . .much of it still needs to be processed, but i want to start out by dissecting the biggest lesson I learned:

As you may have noticed, I have not posted since December when we found out about Jada's cancer. Since then, much has happened and the Lord has been working mightily in the Rumbold family. Don't take my word for it, check it out for yourself.

Lately, I've struggled a lot with Jada's cancer, the sorrows of others around me, and the depravity of my own sin. Sara Groves' song, "The Long Defeat" often pops into my head and I think of the words:

I have joined the long defeat
that falling set in motion
and all my strength and energy
are raindrops in the ocean

I have often had that feeling over the past few months as I . . . spent the night with Jess, a screaming 4-day-old, and a febrile two-year-old; held Jada's hand as she sobbed with each step towards the PICU refrigerator; hugged my sobbing sister as she mourned the tragic loss of her two friends, engaged in messy discipleship and accountability, and wept over my sin and the sin of others.

My biggest "obstacle" comes not in the form of a real and present trial (since none of these horrific things have happened to me in my own body) but in the form of a "faith tester." God is very clear on his intentions to use trials as a litmus test for our faith as well as a "workout" (James 1). Today my faith was really tested or challenged, rather, by the famous Jada Noel whom I love dearly.

Since Jada's diagnosis, I've made it a point to visit every time I'm home so I can give Jada a hug, ask Jess if she needs anything . . . and get a big sloppy kiss from Goober :) Now, If you know Jada, you know that she tends to have a strong will every once in awhile and may or may not enjoy having everything her way. I totally cannot relate to that . . . .

I walked in this afternoon to Jada being extremely upset . . . Doug had done the unthinkable. . . . he asked her to take her vitamins. With tears streaming down her face, I scooped her up and set her on the counter. Thus began a long discussion in which I pulled out every logical argument in the book, but she just wouldn't have it. "Jada, why don't you want to eat your gummy vitamins?"

"Because they are yucky and they have vegetables in them," She replied.

"But they are good for you, and daddy asked you to eat them"

Jess entered the room and reminded Jada, "Honey, your daddy has been trying to get you to eat these for over an hour. You could have eaten them, had your lunch, and we could be having a great time right now, but you have chosen not to."

We discussed the various shapes, sizes, and consistencies that vitamins come in, and Jada said that the gummy texture is the "worst."

"Why does it have to be this way," she sobbed, "Why does it have to be so hard?"

I asked her, "Jada, what about all the things that you've been through? Remember when I held your hand and we walked from your room to the fridge and it was so hard? Remember how you got through that? You can do this, Jada! You can eat your vitamins."

The look on her face told me she knew I was right. But she did just what I would do and refused to be comforted OR confronted. Her face twisted into another pitiful sob and I kissed her hand and held it. I had to leave, so I sat her next to dear Jessica and Pierce, went in to give Goober a kiss, and headed home with Sam in tow.

As I drove home this afternoon, those cries kept wringing in my head. "Yucky" . . . . "Why does it have to be this way?" . . . "Why does it have to be so hard?" . . .

Is anyone screaming GOSPEL GOSPEL GOSPEL GOSPEL yet?

I discussed this encounter with my accountability partner today . . . the Lord is so gracious to teach me intense lessons by "the mouths of youth."

How often has the Lord picked up my pitiful, sobbing self and set me on the counter so he could look me in the eyes? "I don't want to [insert anything]" (I don't want to endure this trial, repent of this sin, endure this pain, follow this command, love this person, or run this race of life).

"Why don't you want to, my child?"

"Because they're yucky . . .they're hard. They're unpleasant, and I don't feel like eating them."

"But they are good for you . . .and your daddy asked you to. In fact, he's been trying to help you through this process for a long time. You could have obeyed him at first and we could be moving on to bigger and better things, but you have chosen not to."

We would enter into a "conversation" and I would try to buy my time . . . .change the subject, avoid his glance, ask for other things, try to ask for a different trial . . .or at least a different shape, size, or consistency. Finally I would get to the heart of my defiance:

"Why does it have to be this way," I sobbed, "Why does it have to be so hard?"

"But Lys," he replied, "what about all the things you've been through? Remember when I held your hand and we walked through the valley of the shadow of death and it was so hard? Remember how you got through that? You can do this, Lys! By MY STRENGTH, you can scale a wall! My blood conquers your sin and all of the things that are defeating you."

The look on my face told him I knew he was right. But I refused to be comforted OR confronted. My face twisted into another pitiful sob as he kissed my hand and held it.

I hope he does not have to set me down without settling the problem right then and there. I pray that I would remember where he has led me . . without any strength of my own. I pray that I would understand the power of the gospel and how it can change NOT ONLY those around me but also my own life as well. How easy is it to believe a promise for someone else? The story is different when each second of every day is a fight to keep your head above water. Your theology is right but your philosophy is a little skewed. . . . or is it? (Thank you Douglas for explaining these two things . . .philosopy and theology).

If my faith, and thus, my actions are not rooted in the solid truth of the gospel . . .that my sins are as good as dead, my life is not my own, and I am truly born again . . . then do I really have my theology right? . . or "teeology" as a three-year-old Jada used to say :)

Sure, I say Jesus is my Saviour, but do remember that in the thick of it? Do I forget all of the miracles he has performed in my life . . . so much that eating a daily vitamin would just push me over the edge?

Some of the overwhelming feelings I had as I looked Jada in the eye were:

1. Love: I love Jada so much and I want her to get well.
2. Sorrow: I cannot look at her skinny frame and balding head without realizing that she is "sick and needs a doctor"
3. An urgent need to save: I wanted so badly to snap my fingers and make her well. I also wanted desperately to hold her and comfort her and help her eat the vitamins but she refused. Christ obviously possesses the power to make all things right at the snap of his finger, but he often choses a "process" out of love for us and regard for our sanctification. The word also says that he "longs to be gracious to you (Isaiah 30:18)." That verse always gets me. However, I always keep in mind that God is seated on his throne. While he desperately longs for us to come to him with our burdens, he is never a worried parent who paces back and forth wondering when their child will come home. The father saw the prodigal son "while he was still a long way off (Luke 15:11-32)." Let it be known, stated, and restated emphatically: Nothing surprises God. Nothing and no one "slips by" unnoticed. He was, is, and will always be the One and Only keeper of knowledge.
4. "Thanks" deficit: An emotion that caught me off guard when I was talking to Jada was "Why isn't she thankful for all that the Lord has put her through?" She could have died on that operating table.

(Let me take a brief pause in this blog just to reiterate that Jada is a 5-soon to be 6- year old girl. I in no way mean to downplay the shear magnitude of this trial or the toll that this illness is taking on her body, her ability to eat, or her family for that matter. I understand that there are countless physiological reasons for why vitamins would be a physical challenge to consume. I simply wish to draw some spiritual truths from what I felt to be a very real "aha" moment that I had with the Lord.)

Anyway, I could not get past this idea that the Lord had taken her through a trial as huge as a major surgery, and now these vitamins were "impossible" for her. How often do I forget what the Lord has done for me? Must I turn your direction to . . oh lets say . . the entire old testament? Actually, we could just focus on one story . . the story of the red sea (Exodus 14 and 15).

"Sweet the Lord parted the water and over 2 million people passed through on dry land!"

three days later

"Moses, I need a drink of waterrrrr can we stop the caravan?"

How does that happen? How do we lose our joy and our thankfulness?

One of my favorite verses in the bible is 1 Corinthians 15:10 "But by the grace of God I am what I am and his grace to me is not without effect." I will never forget the night at CFG when Doug preached on this principle. "How can we receive this gift of grace and at the same time trample ungratefully on the platform in which it was delivered? . . . Through suffering"

Has his grace to me been without effect? Have I forgotten his many blessings to me? Have I stopped giving thanks?

Well, my sabbath is coming to an end, but my mind cannot get past this thought. But I'll leave you with this: May it be said of us "God's grace to her was not without effect." May we be trophies of his grace . . . living and breathing the gospel . . .truly repenting and having real victory over our sin, truly diggin into the word and shutting up long enough to listen, truly investing into the lives of our fellow messy humans . . . .and truly giving thanks.

Eat your vitamins. They're good for you.