Ashes

The weekend that grandpa died, mom and dad both said to me: "You should write about grandpa in your blog." And I simply replied, "I don't know if I can." It felt like writing about him really meant that he was gone. Well, here are several attempts between November and now that show the journey the Lord has brought me through. . .

Attempt 1:

Father

Thank you for the birth of your son . . a Thrill of hope. The weary world rejoices for yonder breaks a new a glorious morn. Oh Lord, you are the God of the heavens . . . nothing happens with out you knowing . . . nothing.

As I camp out at a cluttered table on the fourth floor of Milner library, a strange feeling comes over me. I look out at the gray sky amidst the darkened corridor of dormitories and quiet apartment complexes and I remember that I've seen skies of gold amidst emerald hills . . . almost as if prosperity and sustenance had been forgotten . . But I've known those hills. I've tasted the sweet sunshine of the promised land and I've breathed in its enticing aromas . . . fields of amber and meadows of lavender.

These are the moments that tease me into thinking that the last three weeks have been nothing but a horrific nightmare . . . and tomorrow I will wake up. But the truth is that clouds are gray, finals have set in, flowers fade, leaves fall, the weather grows cold, . . . and death is real.

Attempt 2:

You don't need to have a positive outlook on life, you only need the right one

Attempt 3:

Echos need an empty space to resound, and the death of my grandpa was a loud drone that found out each and every empty chasm in my soul . . the reverberations have yet to be quieted.

Attempt 4:

I will not hide anymore. If we let our thoughts and our pain remain inside and we never give it a chance to escape, then it becomes something that consumes us. I cannot describe this feeling any better than this: (a text from my roommate and former cross country teammate)

My prayer from 9-19-11 reminded me this morning . . . "Tempo runs. When I begin, the pace is hard. If I focus on how much it hurts, thinking about how far I must go, and pin point every little thing that is making me uncomfortable, wishing I could walk . . . I will have a miserable run. But if I pick my head up, take a deep breath . . . feel the rhythm of running fast, I realize what a great gift it is . . . and I smile, I will run faster, longer, and enjoy it much more. Such is true for my life now."

I feel that I have focused on every single discomfort over the past few months. It has made me an extremely unpleasant person (at least on the inside.)

"Each heart knows its own bitterness, and no one else can share its joy" -Proverbs 14:10

When we focus on the imperfections of life, we miss out on the big picture.

"I was in love with an idea, preoccupied with how a life should appear. Spending my time at the surface repairing a hole in a shiny veneer. There are so many ways to hide. There are so many ways not to feel. There are so many ways to deny what is real. And I just showed up for my own life and I'm standing here taking it in and it sure looks bright." -Sara Groves "Just showed up"

It was not until tonight that all of this finally hit me on the head. In leadership, we discussed "worry" in Matthew 6 which is essentially about focusing less on worrying and more on seeking the Kingdom of God. It all boils down to pride: "It's all about me and MY needs."

Lord, how could you still be faithful to one who is so unfaithful??

"If we are faithless, He will remain faithful, for he cannot disown himself." 2Timothy 2:13

How appropriate that we are at the eve of Ash Wednesday . . . as we look forward to Holy week, the greatest celebration in all of history. The most pivotal moment in the tapestry of human time. God's plan from the beginning, a Holy sacrifice. Jesus Christ Himself, the Messiah.

And He is my Salvation

He is my Righteousness

He is my Rock

So why would I ever worry? Why would I ever fret? His care for me is absolutely perfect. He is GOOD. James MacDonald said "You don't know enough about Him if you don't know how GOOD He is."

I don't want to be a whiny little two-year-old who sits in the corner demanding to have my way. Is not GOD all GLORIOUS and WONDERFUL?! Why would I ever need or want anything else? Why would my constant sentiment not be an undertone of STEADFAST JOY?! I want to seek Him, but I am too weak. I need Him even in my seeking. I want to let His redemptive power crush the sins of apathy, idolatry, sloth, and PRIDE that have so crept into my heart.

His care for us is perfect. We must trust Him. We must trust the LAMB who was slain. Look to the one whom they have pierced. Sinner, will this not suffice?